Somber.

I'll make this my prayer. Oh, divine Majesty. Most gracious and true God, I yearn for your heart as my own precious life depends upon it. I need you most desperately and I lay my life here before you. I contemplate my own souls distress at not being able to pray as I could. My silence is most detestable and I wish my thoughts were more this, or more that. I don't wish that either, because I am more wonderfully made than that. I notice your design is moving drawing closer, and when I am weak, it seems you do not withdraw your strength. I sometimes wonder at the beauty around me and alas I'm taken by it. By what? I guess everything is of your design, and yet we muddy it up. Nothing hurts your integrity your perfection, but your creation through imperfection we find glimpse of You interspersed in parallels. Diverging masterpieces pinnacled in you, Jesus the Son of God, everlasting Godman, the lamb that was slain. Oh how you live on, oh how you live! Your in the goodness of mans hearts, the tears shed, they are your tears as the drop splashing and mingling with blood. Dearest Jesus take not back you love, love in our hearts for that is what keeps them beating, that which feeds our very breath our life. To you we give praise give all praise. Thanksgiving! Is it not our being we should give?!!! Let us give You Lord of all what you deserve, our very lives! That is who I want to be... Why not? Why not a Priest? It is the very instrument through which I hope to do thus.

I watched a very good show this night, which happened to be on television of all things. It was called the Eleventh Hour. This show really had to do with a detective and this Dr. hood who were tracking these people implanting clone embrios into women. This really was very good at trying to show how much human life isn't some chemistry or biology experiment. It was very sad and depressing and made me really in this weird somber mood hence the title. It really showed how evil some persons can be, but what was good was this Dr. Hoods respect for life. My God I praise you that things like this are starting to show up in so called entertainment. If only it would do some good. Its a strange battle we face compared to eirlier times and I should be thankful that the seminary really is trying to equip me to fight the battle. Take the battle back to the people wining their hearts for Christ, then in turn for our neighbors and their children. Its not me and mine but mine and ours, we are the body of Christ. Even the little ones have rights to life. All life is potency and act, to be actualized, to live and grow. If we don't have life we don't get any choice at all.

Let our heart yearn for all human life as its all very precious. St. Teresa says in her interior Castle that the beauty and depths of a Soul is incomprehensible. This is what it means in Genesis when we are made in the image and likeness of God. Incomprehensible! Because God is incomprehensible so are we.

My Lord take care of my great uncle Luther, may he rest with you forever.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!

Here I am, sitting here wondering at things once again. Where is God taking me? I as this question and I write it down because I honestly don't know. I at this point because God is taking me somewhere and I know each step has His guidance. I ask myself this question time after time. Is it my doubt or is it my lack of understanding. I want many things and tonight I'm reflecting on my experience in this place, this St. Paul Seminary. I wish I knew some things and yet I shouldn't wish, I shouldn't want. I should only seek that which makes me love more. Teresa of Avila sneeks into my life once again. I wonder if its my lack of devotion to her that spurs her on, but she never (in all I've read anyway) backed down from a challenge.

Indeed, I am a challenge case I have little knowledge of my self and I can't seem to pray with any fortitude or solace. Maybe, I desire sanctity in an unrealistic sense and I struggle with my short comings as I attempt to serve the Lord with what little faculties I have. I have been Chaste with women all my life not that it counts for much, which maybe it should. I guess I really need to learn to understand why I am the way that I am to know who I am. That analyzing where I came from and how I have been shaped by my experiences seems to me some good. It does not solve any problems like how do I deal with my lack of discipline and self control. These things I have to start from scratch it seems and bring about change within myself. I must form myself to be better at grammar and spelling and punctuation. I must form myself into one who understands the plights of others, and understands the human person and then Aquinas and Aristotle. These people took their own time to read and try to understand everything why can't I? Maybe God doesn't want me to follow in their footsteps and He would be very gracious if He desires for me another path. I never thought my life would be easy and it won't be the way its going and the world I will have to face. I see now many things about the world I did not so months ago. I see now that we have a President who is opposed to many of our own Catholic teachings. It is now more evident to which battle ground I have to step upon. I see the side for which I have been formed to defend in my weekness. I wonder however how God may use my week shaky hands and quivering lips to work love once again into peoples hearts. I speak of the love for God, for life, and for dignity that we all must come to know.

I see that I am working against staggering odds and I am not alone. The Church is here to stay, its teaching will live on there is no doubt and there is always hope. It seems that there are always new problems in our lives each year old problems die, while new ones spring up. Things never work out as we plan at least not exactly, certainly the seminary wasn't on my wish list this time last year. My God is so good, that when I cannot figure things out, things fall into place. I hate to say all these things were coincidence and I wasn't meant to be at the sem, but that would and should be blasphemy. I am such a doubting thomas when it comes to my own call and I don't know why it plagues me so much and yet so little sometimes. I guess this is why we should read spiritual things because so many of my problems are spelled out in discernment of spirits and the interior castle its not even funny. Teresa of Avil knows me and went through the same things I have and am going through. For example being distracted at prayer with millions of thoughts that take over my mind. Speaking of thoughts, its time for bed, now thats a good thought.

God Bless you!
Michael