Here I am, sitting here wondering at things once again. Where is God taking me? I as this question and I write it down because I honestly don't know. I at this point because God is taking me somewhere and I know each step has His guidance. I ask myself this question time after time. Is it my doubt or is it my lack of understanding. I want many things and tonight I'm reflecting on my experience in this place, this St. Paul Seminary. I wish I knew some things and yet I shouldn't wish, I shouldn't want. I should only seek that which makes me love more. Teresa of Avila sneeks into my life once again. I wonder if its my lack of devotion to her that spurs her on, but she never (in all I've read anyway) backed down from a challenge.

Indeed, I am a challenge case I have little knowledge of my self and I can't seem to pray with any fortitude or solace. Maybe, I desire sanctity in an unrealistic sense and I struggle with my short comings as I attempt to serve the Lord with what little faculties I have. I have been Chaste with women all my life not that it counts for much, which maybe it should. I guess I really need to learn to understand why I am the way that I am to know who I am. That analyzing where I came from and how I have been shaped by my experiences seems to me some good. It does not solve any problems like how do I deal with my lack of discipline and self control. These things I have to start from scratch it seems and bring about change within myself. I must form myself to be better at grammar and spelling and punctuation. I must form myself into one who understands the plights of others, and understands the human person and then Aquinas and Aristotle. These people took their own time to read and try to understand everything why can't I? Maybe God doesn't want me to follow in their footsteps and He would be very gracious if He desires for me another path. I never thought my life would be easy and it won't be the way its going and the world I will have to face. I see now many things about the world I did not so months ago. I see now that we have a President who is opposed to many of our own Catholic teachings. It is now more evident to which battle ground I have to step upon. I see the side for which I have been formed to defend in my weekness. I wonder however how God may use my week shaky hands and quivering lips to work love once again into peoples hearts. I speak of the love for God, for life, and for dignity that we all must come to know.

I see that I am working against staggering odds and I am not alone. The Church is here to stay, its teaching will live on there is no doubt and there is always hope. It seems that there are always new problems in our lives each year old problems die, while new ones spring up. Things never work out as we plan at least not exactly, certainly the seminary wasn't on my wish list this time last year. My God is so good, that when I cannot figure things out, things fall into place. I hate to say all these things were coincidence and I wasn't meant to be at the sem, but that would and should be blasphemy. I am such a doubting thomas when it comes to my own call and I don't know why it plagues me so much and yet so little sometimes. I guess this is why we should read spiritual things because so many of my problems are spelled out in discernment of spirits and the interior castle its not even funny. Teresa of Avil knows me and went through the same things I have and am going through. For example being distracted at prayer with millions of thoughts that take over my mind. Speaking of thoughts, its time for bed, now thats a good thought.

God Bless you!
Michael